


it's not giving up, it's letting go

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Bittersweet, Complicated Relationships, Friendship/Love, Gen, Goodbyes, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 22:48:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17569409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: Yuzuru wondered if it was love, once.Maybe.Probably.It was easy, to love Javi, so simple and effortless.Yuzuru wished that letting him go could be that easy too.





	it's not giving up, it's letting go

**Author's Note:**

> Did you order some feels? No? You have them anyway!  
> Title from 'Wild horses' by Birdy.

 

It felt surreal, almost.

Yuzuru was almost used to missing Javi at that point, past months teaching him a hard lesson. It wasn't easy, still, by any means, but he had high pain tolerance anyway. So he was okay.

And then Javi came back, and Yuzuru's carefully crafted normality started falling apart, piece by piece.

It was almost funny, how for so many years Javi had been a crucial part of his life, and now his presence was making Yuzuru's hands tremble. Javi was acting like nothing had changed, smiling and training hard, but Yuzuru still couldn't get used to that, and he almost hated himself.

He should be happier, and it should be easier, like it used to be.

Yuzuru never tried to put any name on him and Javi, on the thing that was between them. They were who they were, nothing more and nothing less, and it lasted for years, quietly and comfortably, until it ended and Yuzuru's heart almost broke all of the sudden.

He didn't understand. He didn't know if he wanted to understand why it suddenly hurt to look at Javi's smile, why his throat was itching everytime he heard his voice.

At first he tried to put some distance between them, withdrawing, making sure his hand wouldn't linger on Javi's side or shoulder; but it felt wrong, too, and Yuzuru gave up and gave in, just like all the years before, when he had been just seventeen and clueless.

He was clueless, still. He didn't know what was happening, what he was going to do, and why he was suddenly feeling so small and fragile.

 

Yuzuru wondered if it was love, once.

Maybe.

Probably.

It was easy, to love Javi, so simple and effortless.

Yuzuru wished that letting him go could be that easy too.

 

He almost forgot that they would have to say their goodbyes, at some point. And then they were standing in the locker room, Javi's words light and teasing, and Yuzuru suddenly realized that the end was coming, and that it was the next day, and he had never felt worse in his entire life.

He said something, cheesy and polite, and Javi laughed softly, pulling him into a hug. His heart was beating loudly against Yuzuru's ear, the sound familiar and comforting, and Yuzuru closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in deeply.

That was it. That was how the story ended.

Yuzuru pulled back, after long minutes that still didn't feel like enough.

It suddenly felt like all those years weren't enough, and he still wasn't prepared, and maybe he never would be.

Javi smiled, close and kind, and suddenly Yuzuru realized that it would be so easy, to kiss him right now. To lean forward, just a little bit, press their lips together.

He knew Javi would let him do that, one second, two, maybe three, and then he would put a hand on Yuzuru's neck and pull him back gently. He would be smiling, and his face would be soft and full of compassion and kindness, and Yuzuru wouldn't survive it.

So he leaned forward, but only to press his face to Javi's neck, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and pulling him closer.

Javi was warm, smelling of soap and water, and his arms wrapped around Yuzuru were strong and steady. It was familiar and safe and painful, and Yuzuru tried not to think that it was the last time, maybe.

He didn't know how long the stayed like that, still and secure and quiet, until Javi moved his hand across Yuzuru's back and drew back slowly. He looked at Yuzuru, and his eyes were dark and kind, and Yuzuru's heart stopped for a second.

He wanted Javi to say something, anything, almost desperately, but at the same time he was dreading that, as if words could destroy everything in a blink of an eye.

But Javi didn't say anything. Instead, he gently took Yuzuru's face in his hands and kissed his forehead before smiling at him sweetly, his thumb brushing Yuzuru's cheek.

And then, he walked away, his back straight and strong, his step sure, like it was any other day.

And then, he was gone. Just like that.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Like it? Hate it? Let me know in the comments!


End file.
